As a Spurs fan, you're probably being asked this a lot lately. I always reply, 'Nah, we'll finish third mate.' And then I think, 'I'm definitely not answering next time someone asks me if I'm a Spurs fan.'
The real answer to that aggravating question is I don't know, obviously. But continually being asked has made me want to come up with a better answer. Maybe we can figure this out! Let's start with what we DO know. We know we're currently in fourth place, a point behind Ch*lsea and four points ahead of Ar*enal.
In fact, here's the table.
| POS | LP | CLUB | P | W | D | L | GF | GA | GD | PTS | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 |  | (1) | Manchester United | 26 | 21 | 2 | 3 | 62 | 31 | 31 | 65 |
| 2 | | (2) | Manchester City | 26 | 15 | 8 | 3 | 48 | 24 | 24 | 53 |
| 3 | | (3) | Ch*lsea | 26 | 14 | 7 | 5 | 55 | 28 | 27 | 49 |
| 4 | | (4) | Tottenham Hotspur | 26 | 14 | 6 | 6 | 44 | 30 | 14 | 48 |
| 5 | | (5) | Ar*enal | 26 | 12 | 8 | 6 | 50 | 29 | 21 | 44 |
| 6 | | (6) | Everton | 26 | 10 | 12 | 4 | 40 | 32 | 8 | 42 |
| 7 | | (9) | Liverpool | 27 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 49 | 34 | 15 | 39 |
It's just really nice to look at it, isn't it? Four points ahead of them. Let's keep it that way Spurs.
Looking at the standings, I reckon the race for the last two Champs League spots is between us, Ch*lsea, Ars*nal and Everton. I included Liverpool in the table, but they're surely out of the running considering they're 9 points away and they've played a game more than everyone else.
What else do we know? Well we know each team's remaining fixtures. So let's see if we can work out (roughly) how many points each contending team will take. Obviously we can't, but we should be able to have a decent stab at it! Bear in mind, these are my personal predictions. If you disagree, or on the other hand freakishly agree with all of my calls, let me know in the comments!
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Ch*lsea
3rd place; 26 games played; 49 points.
Man City - Away LOSS
West Brom - Home WIN
Foolham - Away WIN
W*st Ham - Home WIN
Southampton - Away DRAW
Sunderland - Home WIN
SPURS - Home WIN
Liverpool - Away WIN
Swansea - Home WIN
Man United - Away LOSS
Villa - Away LOSS
Everton - Home WIN
By my calculations, Ch*lsea are taking home 23 points from their last 12 games, giving them a total of 72 points. I'll explain why. They'll lose to Man City. City need the win more than Ch*lsea. The Premiership title is United's (if it isn't already) if City fail to win in any of their next few games. Plus, City are at home.
The lucky bastards are then playing West Brom, Foolham and W*st Ham, all of whom they'll beat because they're all floating in mid-table and have little to play for in real terms. I reckon Southampton will get a big point against Ch*lsea in their fight for survival. Southampton are going to be scrapping like dogs, and St. Mary's will be a tough place to go towards the end of the season.
Sunderland next, another mid-table side going to Stamford Bridge - easy win for the Chelscum. Then WE play them in what could be a 6-pointer (as they say). Chelsea are at home though, and have the better squad. They will still have a lot to play for,'ll beat us. Liverpool, whether they like it or not, are a mid-table side and therefore by my logic, Ch*lsea will beat them. Despite Swansea being unbelievably brilliant and all that, I predict that they won't be playing for much with a few games to go, and Ch*lsea will want it more.
Last three games. United, the champions elect, will win at Old Trafford - No doubt. I can't see Villa being relegates, and they'll have to get their points from somewhere. I predict that they pick up most of their points at Villa Park, and I'm optimistically saying they'll get a big win here. I reckon Everton will fall away at the end of the season, but they'll always give you a tough game. Still think Chelsea will just about do them though.
Jesus, that was epic. My logic will remain largely the same, so hopefully Ars*nal's tally doesn't take as much explaining!
Ar*enal
5th place; 26 games played; 44 points
Villa - Home WIN
SPURS - Away LOSS
Everton - Home DRAW
Swansea - Away WIN
Reading - Home WIN
West Brom - Away WIN
Norwich - Home WIN
Foolham - Away WIN
Man United - Home DRAW
QPR - Away WIN
Wigan - Home DRAW
Newcastle - Away LOSS
Right, I have come to the annoying conclusion that The Arse could pick up 24 out of a possible 36 points. That would leave them with a final haul of 68 points. Here's my reasoning. They'll beat Villa, cause they're at home and need a win, and Villa are shit. Then we'll beat them at the Lane. We're the better side, we're at home and we want it so much more, so fuck them, three points please and thank you gooners.
They'll find it hard against Everton, and unlike Ch*lsea, they'll be playing the Toffees before (in my opinion) they really fall off, due a lack of depth in their squad blah blah blah. Swansea will have already started their fairly rapid decline me thinks so the goons will pick up 3 points there. It should be tough against Reading, who will be fighting for their Premier League lives, but unfortunately Le Arseholes are the better team and their at home. For the same reason as Chelsea, they should breeze through West Brom, Norwich and Foolham.
I can see the pricks getting a point against United at home. They're still capable of a decent result against a big team. Maybe it'll keep the title race alive, doubt it though. 'Arry's new boys are going down, like it or not, and Ar*enal will win easy there. On the other hand, I think Wigan will escape, so hopefully they snatch a point at The New Library. Then, right at the end, they'll lose to Newcastle. This depends on how close Newcastle are to the drop but I still they still might need a result on the last day to be totally safe. Let's hope they get it!
Everton
6th place; 26 games played; 42 points.
Norwich - Away WIN
Reading- Home DRAW
Arsenal - Away DRAW
City - Home LOSS
Stoke - Home WIN
SPURS - Away DRAW
QPR - Home WIN
Sunderland - Away DRAW
Foolham - Home WIN
Liverpool - Away DRAW
W*st Ham - Home WIN
Ch*lsea - Away LOSS
According to me, myself and I, Everton are going to amass 19 points from their remaining 12 fixtures, leaving them on a total of 62 points. Okay, so they'll beat kind-of mid-table Norwich, draw with relegation-fearing Reading, and then tie with Ars*enal for reasons mentioned above somewhere. They'll lose to City who are just a better team, and might yet be playing for the title. They'll beat Stoke who have nothing to play for and then I think they might get a point at the Lane. We're obviously the better team, but it can always go one way or the other when we play Everton. Or in this case, neither way. Everton won't have fallen away yet and I think they'll prove hard to beat. QPR will be pretty much already relegated at this stage barring an 'Arry miracle, and I think Everton will stuff them. Sunderland away won't be easy and I wouldn't back Everton to put together a string of wins that late on in the season. They'll beat Foolham for the already over-explained (obviously simplistic) reasons.
The Merseyside derby is always tough to call, and I think Liverpool will be even more wound up for it than usual. Particularly if it's looking like Everton are going to finish ahead of them in the League. They'll beat Wet Spam cause they're shit, and they'll lose to Chavski who are better and will finish the season stronger thanks to their superior squad.
Lastly, the mighty Spurs!
Come On You Spurs
4th place; 26 games played; 48 points;
W*st Ham - Away WIN
Ar*enal - Home WIN
Liverpool - Away DRAW
Foolham - Home WIN
Swansea - Away DRAW
Everton - Home DRAW
Ch*lsea - Away LOSS
Man City - Home LOSS
Wigan - Away DRAW
Southampton - Home WIN
Stoke - Away WIN
Sunderland - Home WIN
My predictions give us a total of 22 points from our final 12 games. That would leave us on 70 points.
Here's my reasons. First up, Wet Spam away. Fuck them, we are a vastly superior. Just because it's their cup final doesn't mean its a big game for us any longer. Piss off, three points thanks. I've already explained that we're beating Ar*enal. So that's that. It would be very unlike Spurs to put a huge string of wins together and so I think we'll drop a couple of points at Anfield. Yes they're not great, but it's still not an easy place to go, and I think we'll take them too lightly. Foolham - easy win thanks.
Everton will still be hanging in there and as always when we play them, it could go either way. Or more likely, it won't go either way and we'll have dropped two points. Chelsea and City both have better teams and I think they'll both still have a lot to play for. I don't think we'll get any points out of those two unfortunately. Hopefully I'm wrong! Wigan will be fighting for survival and if any of the bottom three are going to escape I think it will be them, so this will be a hard game, particularly away. A dissapointing draw me thinks.
I think those last three games have 9 points written all over them. None of the teams should be a real threat, and if our top boys are on their A-game, we should have three easy wins.
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So that's it. Perhaps I haven't fully taken into account European or FA cup commitments, and obviously I can't speculate about injuries, suspensions, dodgy refereeing and the like, but based on my ropy logic, this is what I'm predicting the table to look like come the end of May. Obviously, I didn't work out the goal difference. Jesus, who do you think I am, Chuck Norris? Superman? Steffen Freund?
| POS | P | W | D | L | Pts | ||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 3 | Chelsea | 38 | 21 | 9 | 8 | 72 | |||||
| 4 | Tottenham Hotspur | 38 | 20 | 10 | 8 | 70 | |||||
| 5 | Arsenal | 38 | 19 | 11 | 8 | 68 | |||||
| 6 | Everton | 38 | 10 | 12 | 4 | 62 | |||||
Wahey! Makes for happy reading eh? Okay, most of it, in fact all of it is complete and utter guesswork. Well, sort of educated guesswork, although it's based on common sense, and as we all know, football doesn't do common sense. But for now let's pretend this is fact, and cold hard proof that Spurs will finish in the top 4. So next time you're asked, you know what to tell them!
COYS!
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